


When I Was

by Macherry



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-06
Updated: 2016-01-20
Packaged: 2018-05-12 05:09:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5653561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Macherry/pseuds/Macherry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a story about Gon's live who hate gays because of their parent. and Killua who fall in love with Gon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hunter x hunter not my own  
> it's really out of character..  
> Set Another Universe

When I was

 

Gon Point of view  
My Childhood time

 

When I was 6 years old... my mother died in an accident. At that time I was sad because my mother left me and my father alone. My father said he would look after me well and make me happy.

When I was 9 years old... my father brought a unknown women to home.

"Gon.. this is Kurapika, from now on he will be your mother. We just got married " said my father.

"Hey.. what do you said Leorio?! Who is the mother?! I'm not a woman." said the blond woman that turns out to be male as he tapped my father and then he looked at me and smiled at me "Nice to meet you Gon, I'm Kurapika.. from now on I will stay with you and help your father take care of you. You can think me as your other father or mother as you please "said a man named Kurapika.

"Hey.. you said you were not a woman." my father said sulking.

"It's up to me." said that Kurapika as he turns his face

I was surprised because this pretty sister actually a man, but to see him and my dad a little noisier somehow I feel finally the home returned to be cheerful. Because since my mother died the atmosphere at home quiet and somber. I smiled "Yes.. Nice to meet you, I'm Gon." At that time I was happy to finally get a new mother even though he is a man. At that time I didn't realize that the two men together was not normal. That night I ended up having dinner with my new mom and dad. It had been so long since me and my family dinner together. I always eat alone. I am very happy with my new mother's presence. Father's face also brightened.

 

In the morning.

"Gon, this is for your lunch.. be careful in the way." Kurapika said while delivering lunch for me.

"Thank you mom. I go first." I said as waving to Kurapika. I decided to think of him as my mother since he's pretty hihihi.

"Hey Gon, who is she." said a friend of mine named Tonpa.

"Ah.. he's my new mother. My father had marry him yesterday." I said with a happy face.

"Your new mother? Wuaahh she's so beautiful.. you're lucky to get a mother as beautiful as her." said Tonpa, he looked amazed. I became proud of my new mother. Everyone praised the beauty of my new mother. Yes he is beautiful.

However...

 

"Hey. I hear your mother actually a man, is that true?"Asked Tonpa

"Huh.. yeah.. so what?" I asked innocently

"How strange..." Tonpa look towards Pokkle

"Yes it's strange.." Pokkle also said

"Huh? What's so strange?" I still don't understand.

"Isn't a mother supposed to be a women if he is a man it's mean he not a mother but a father. Moreover, I heard from my mother that the two men getting married was weird." Tonpa said

"Huh? What's so weird.. he's still good to me and act like my mother." I insist

"It's still weird.. two men together is abnormal.." said Tonpa who seemed upset. "Moreover, why do you not think it was strange? Do you also like a man?" Tonpa said as he teased me.

"No way.. I don't like men!"

"Then you should you hate your new mother. She is a male. It was strange that they were together. " Pokkle said.

I was think for a moment. Kurapika is quite a good mother to me, I cannot hate him. "I... I can't hate him." I said quietly

"Ha.. then you're just like them as well... Hii.. don't go near us" Tonpa grin and ran left.

I was silent. I don't know that the two men together was weird. I walked home thinking about their words. I want to ask my father.

"I am home"

"Ah.. welcome Gon" said my mother as he smiling at me. I want to ask, but seeing the joy in his face I can't. Maybe I could ask later when my father was there. My father went home. We had dinner together, I was happy at last I could eat together. Finally I made up my determination to ask.

"Dad.. is that true.. that two men married together is that weird?" I asked innocently. Later my father and mother paused and looked at me. I wonder why my mother's face looks sad. "That's right Gon, we're weird.. so.. are you going to hate us?" asked mother.

I felt sad to see sad faces in my mother's face. "No mother.. I'm not going to hate you mother.. I love you." I said, smiling. My mother also smiled at me my father too.. but I can still feel the grief of them. my mother then said "Sorry Gon.. I think your days will be hard because of us later." At that time I still don't understand the meaning of my mother word. But the next day I understood,,,

I was being bullied by my friend

 

The next day.

The next morning as usual I went to school and mom delivered me. I then saw a bunch of neighbors were gathered. One of them saw me and then whispered something to his friend "Did you hear.. this child's father is married to another man." Said that neighbor who was a huddle and accidentally sounding to me.

"Ick.. so weird. I don't think Leorio was gay." Said the other. I was a didn't understand about the word gay.

I already arrive at school. I don't know why by I feel somehow my friends to see me with a disgusted look. As soon as I approached them, they avoid me. I spoke to them, they ignored me. I was so confused so I ended up holding one of my hand "Hey.. why wont you talk to me." I said. But he was immediately dismissed my hands "Don't touch me you're disgusting." I don't understand anything being little upset. "What?! What did my fault. "

"Hahahaha.." I heard the sound of laughter from behind and see Tonpa together with Pokkle and Hanzo. "You still don't get it either. Innocent also has its limits." Teased Hanzo.

"Of course.. because your father and your new mother was gay, gay was disgusting and you're they son so you're also disgusting like your father and your new mother.. oops I forgot that he was not a mother but a father also." Tonpa said with a insult laugh

"What?! Don't insult my father and mother. Mother was good to me! " I said with upset because they insulted my father and mother. "Moreover, what is gay ?!" Tonpa getting more laughs.

"You really are stupid.. gay is like your parent.. because your father was married to another man so they was gay!"

I was then silent. Other friends laugh at me. Unknowingly bell rang and we were sitting in our seats respectively. The classroom atmosphere became grim until the teacher asked. "Hey... why The classroom atmosphere is so gloom like this? Come cheerful kid."

"We can't mam.. we're uncomfortable because here there's a disgusting creature with us." said one of my friends.

"Yeah right.." said another friend. They then looked at me with a nasty and laugh at me. I could see my teacher's face there's a confusion but it looks like she understands because she looked at me with pity face.

School time was over. I want to went home immediately. I can heard other kids talking about me at behind and laughing at me. They all don't want near me again. On my way back home there someone throw me with rock.. they ran off while laughing as soon as I looked at them. Then I saw Tonpa along with his friend standing in front of me and grin. They laugh is like evil. I try not to care and pass them. However Tonpa grabbed my arm and pushed me until I got into the ditch.

"Hahahaha.. it suits for disgusting thing like you." Tonpa said followed by Pokkle and Hanzo laughter. And they went away. I get out from the ditch and walked home.

"Gon! what happened to you" Mom saw me become dirty. "Get off your clothes and go shower... actually what happened to you?" My mother asked again.

"It's okay.. I just fell in a ditch.. I being careless" I said smiling. I don't want what happened to me in the school is know by them. I could hold it alone. I don't want to destroy the happy faces from my father's face and also mother. Not along my father back home and we eat together again. But all through dinner I just quietly made them a little worried about me, but I can only smile.

The next day I went back to school. Past the neighbors who seem talk bad about me and my family when they seem. Avoid by my friend. Threated like germs by them. My desk was covered with a lot of garbage. They also thrown me with garbage. When I walked they slide my feet until I fal .. they just laugh see me falling. As soon as I got home they're throw me with rock or being push into the ditch.. It's happen every day. I always come home covered in dirt or injured and make mother worried. But I can't say anything I just hold it. Teachers who know me being bully also silent and even didn't want to know.

Until one day I couldn't hold it again because I had being trapped into the ditch that quite deep because of being pushed by Tonpa and I couldn't get out. I was so scared and worried about not being able to get out I'm crying in despair. But finally I could go out because white-haired boy help me.

"Oi.. grab my hand," said the white-haired boy reach out his hand to me.

Finally I can get out "Tha.. thank you."

That boy then pinch his nose. "You'd better hurry home.. you stink." That boy said as he go left me alone there.

I returned home until really late. My father that already come home then yell at me. "Gon, why did you come home really late.. and why you be so dirty" said my father upset.

My mother that also worried get a little mad at me. "Gon.. you can't go home late, you're still child at least you should contact us. Do you know how worried we are. "

Somehow when I heard they were scolded me, I was also become getting little upset. Are they didin't know.. that I'm like this because of them. I was being bullied... being hate by entire class because of them!

"Gon, if you always play, you're going to miss your lessons. You should limiting your time to play. Moreover, every time you come home is always covered in dirt. Don't you know how hard Kurapika cleaned your clothes every day "

"Leorio!"

"Why? Have you always complain because you get hassles of cleaning that dirt on his clothes. "

So.. my mother felt hassles because of me. But it wasn't my fault. I can't take it anymore. I then snapped

"So... you're being hassle to clean up the dirt in my clothes..." I said with a soft tone.

"Gon .. it's not like that." My mother reached out his hand to touch me but I brushed it off. Unknowingly my tears streaming down, make them surprised to see me cry. They don't know how miserable I was in school because of them.

"Don't touch me! Do you think I want every day covered in that shit like that! It's because of you! Because of you I am being bully by all my friends and everyone at school!" I could see their face suddenly become shock. "Every morning the neighbors talk bad thing about my father, and about me! I was being told disgusting by my friend! But actually the one who bad is you.. the one who disgusting is you! You made me and my father was bad in other people eyes!" I said and see Kurapika being silent hear my anger.. I no longer wanted to call him as mother. Because of him, because he went to my family I was bullied. Dad also silence hearing all my emotions.

"I wonder why father wants him! You've made my father is not normal"

At that time.. I feel the a pain in my cheek, my father... slap me.

"Leorio!"

"It's enough Gon... I understand.. I.. I'm sorry" said my father.. I'm still speechless while holding my cheek. I can't believe my father slapped me while I was suffering because of them.

"Gon.. I'm sorry..." Kurapika approached me. I move away.

"Stay away from me.. I hate you ! I also hate you father." I ran into my room without realizing.. Kurapika cries and my father comfort him.

In the morning I go to school as usual. Kurapika see off my departure, but I'm being indifferent to him. I still hear the neighbors are not stopping to gossip about us. I wonder why they didn't get bored as well.

 

Kurapika Point of view

As usual I see him off to school.. Gon's anger made me a really guilt to him. Actually, I knew there was something strange to him, but because he didn't say anything I didn't dare to ask. I also see the neighbors mothers who gathered for huddle. I could hear them still talking about us.

"Excuse me.." I approached them. They were surprised see my presence.

"What?" Said one of mother glare at me.

"No, I just wanted to say.. what so happy to always talk bad about other people.." the I looked at them sharply. "You can talk bad about me, call me disgusting.. but I wouldn't forgive you if you talk bad about Gon and Leorio! If I knew you still talk bad about them..."they're gulped see my eyes that slighly being red because of my anger.

I then looked down "After all it's my fault.. I was the one who should you talk bad.. I'm sorry if I was make you all uncomfortable." then I turn over and go.

In the afternoon, Gon is home, he was still covered in dirt.. it's looks like he still bullied, but he didn't say anything and avoid me. I was just letting it, if I spoke he would only be more angry at me. I want to scold Gon's friend that bullied Gon. But I think just only make worse because Gon can be more hate by his friend.

"I am home."

"Leorio... welcome." I saw Leorio's face bit sad.. "Leorio, what happen?"

"Kurapika... I was fired from company.."

"Uh.. what? why?"

"Somehow the office know about my relationship with you. And my boss says I make the office atmosphere became uncomfortable. "

When listening to Leorio, involuntarily my tears dripping.. this is all because of me "I'm sorry... I'm sorry.. maybe it is true... we shouldn't be together."

"Stupid.. I chose you... don't say like that again. After all I promise to make you happy right.. if you cried like that I'm also sad.. and also I promise to not make you cried since that incident with that bastard man" Said Leorio hugging me.

"Calm down okay.. I will work with my acquaintances. He was a doctor and just work alone and I will help him. Moreover, it's my dream.. I had always want to become a doctor. I can learn a lot from him. But I don't know when I can help him and it was not sure, I have to wait for news from him first" Leorio said as he stroked my hair and kissed my forehead.

I'm still leaning on his chest " ..I also will try to find a job. Moreover Gon also no longer want to be taken care with me. he... hate me"

"It's okay.. someday.. he will understand.." Leorio still stroking my hair. Leorio raise my chin until we both looked at each other. Then Leorio kissed me.

My tears still dripping somehow I remember about my past "I'm sorry.. it's true.. the one who weird is me. The one who disgusting is me.. that why Pairo..."

"Stop it!" Leorio become yell at me. "I said don't talk like that! Are you still not forgot him!"

"No.. it's not like that" I drop my head.

"Please forget him Kurapika.. we're already married.. I love you Kurapika." Leorio hug me thighly.

"I love you too.. Leorio" I hug him back

 

Gon Point of view

In the night I was awake because I want to pee. I saw my father's room door was slightly open. And I could hear the sound Kurapika from within. Like crying. I will peek to see what they do and how shocked I was.

I was very shocked to see what they do, although I don't understand what they are doing. My father put something big into Kurapika and he move it. I'm sure it hurt, he also crying but he's sound like he didn't in pain. Even though I didn't understand I know that was not suppose to be seen by me that still a kid. I go back to my room and forgot I want to go to bathroom but I also didn't feel like to go anymore.. I must forget what they doing.

But since that time I was avoid them more. In the morning I go to school like always even though I didn't want to, for some reason today my father doesn't work and in home. I passed some neighbors who always gossip. They see me but I don't why they were not talking about me again and also my father. But I still bullied at school. This time it's worse. When I walk to home I was stopped again by Tonpa. I was taken to a far place and binds me under large tree. I remember this place very rarely being passed by people because rumor it's haunted. In the night it's appear a white shadow and always being hear a kid crying. I cried for help but no one helped me. it was getting late I started shivering. Am I going to die here.. being curse by that ghost and rotten, I'm thirsty.

When my consciousness almost disappeared I saw a white shadow standing in front of me. Is that a ghost? is he going to kill me? ah I don't care anymore I think it better to death than being bullied everyday and lonely "Stupid... why didn't you fight them." Said someone who seems like a boy. I lift to see who is it. And it was white haired boy that help me before. He untie my rope. It's been twice he help me.

"Tha.. thank you."

The boy smiled "You're weak.." said that boy. "Do you want to be treated like this.. treated like this everyday until you adult?... you have to fight.. you are a man right." said that white-haired boy as he walked off and left me alone after he help me again.

I bit my lower lip. It was true I was weak. I also hurt a person who nice to me. I will walk home. I want to apologize to Kurapika. Although I become hate gay because nothing good about that, at least I've been rude to people who take care of me who nice to me.

When I got home there no more who welcome me. The room also dark.. it's seem like I come back at the feeling after my mother died. Shortly my father return "Oh Gon.. you're home, I'm just back from the convenient store" My father look me that standing in front of the door.

"Gon.. you... are you alright." There's a worried tone in my father word. It's seem he knew I was being bullied again but he didn't said any word. I nodded my father just smiled at me. "If something happen I happy if you want to talk to me. I will wait until you want to talk to me again." My father then go to kitchen left me alone who became pause because father word.

"Gon.. let's eat first, Kurapika began working to help me. And it looks like he will always come home at night." I nodded again. We both ate in silence.

"Gon... sorry, it's look like I will rarely accompany you to eat. Tomorrow, father will help a friend of mine and time for home schedule is uncertain, if dad can come home early I can company you. Kurapika also will always be home late." said my father with a sad smile.

I was still silent. Are my father and Kurapika avoided me? Well it's was my fault also who avoid them first even though the kind to me "Yeah... it's okay" Well, what can we do .. I've hurt them.

The next day. There's a new kid get into my class.

"Kid.. we'll arrive a new friend in our class.." said the teacher. "Come on in Killua."

My eyes widened see who had entered. That kid.. that kid who help me before..

"Hi..Nice to meet you. My name Killua." said the white-haired boy smiling happy. He also saw me and then smiled at me, I smiled at him back.

"Mam…. Can I sit next to that kid? " asked Killua, pointing to the empty seat next to me. Yes, since my father found out gay no one wants to sit next to me.

"Eh.. it's okay." the teacher's said as her face in doubt. Killua approached me, I could see the children in class staring at me as Killua getting closer to me.

Killua withdraw his bench and sat down beside me. "Hi.. Nice to meet you my name Killua, we already meet before right" said Killua reach out his hand to me. I paused for a while but the hold Killua hand later. "I'm Gon." I said softly, I feel uneasy being seen by the whole class like us in performance.

"Okay Gon.. nice to meet you. We will be a good friend." Killua smiling. Without realizing it I smile back.

During class break I see Tonpa, Pokkle, and Hanzo come closer to Killua.

"Oi new kid.. you don't go near that boy.. did you know that his father is gay.." Tonpa said.

"So?" Killua replied, unwrapping candy and suck it.

"Then you must don't go near to him or you can be infected by it." said Tonpa again

"So~?" said Killua again I was getting nervous.

"Then you can be just as disgusting to him!" I see Tonpa as already snapped.

"Then you'll be bully me like you do to him?" said Killua with sarcasm. "It's up to me if I want to make friends with who. "

I see Tonpa face red as he angry. Killua then rose from his chair and pulls my hand.

"Eh?"

"Come on.. accompany me walk around the school." said Killua cheerful. Then I accompany him around and sometime we joked together. It's been so long since the last time I had much fun with a friend.

From that time, I so often played with Killua. Since Killua being close to me, he also almost became the target, but because he's cool and easy going many people not be bother him even want closer to him. But he didn't want to close to them. He said he want to be with me.

When Tonpa bully me Killua help me. But then scolded me because I don't fight him, I can only smile. I started little by little try to fight back to people who always bully me, until one day I success.. I finally can beat Tonpa and no one dared to bullied me again. Killua also protect me and when he know I can beat Tonpa he proud to me. Tonpa become afraid to me and Killua. I don't know why he become afraid to Killua because what I see Killua never in touch with Tonpa and Tonpa also. But I didn't want to think about that.

Then I became used to play with Killua under that large tree where Killua saved me, we're didn't care.

"Killua what happen?" I asked when I see Killua hold his head and I see there's a pain in Killua's face..

"Nothing.. I just feeling a bit headache." Killua said as he smiling to me. Is that true? But I hope he's Okay. We're back playing together.

"Gon... can we make a promise.."

"What is that?"

"That we will always be together forever." Killua said. I had looked at Killua for a while. Then I smile

"Of course."

Killua smiling happily. "Is it true? Ah.. what if we carved our names both in this tree as proof of our promise. "

"Ah.. it's good idea." Killua began to carve his name and then I started to carve my name.

"From now on we will be friends forever." I said cheerfully without realizing after I say it Killua's face become gloom. "Huh? What happen Killua. "

"Ah.. it's okay.. yeah, we'll be friends." said Killua smiling. Although Killua smiled as usual but don't know why I thought it was weird as there's a bit of a sadness aura on his face.

At that time I didn't realize something that was growing inside Killua.

 

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

When I was

Warning: AU, OOC

Chapter 2:

Regret and Killua's childhood time

.

GON POV

When I was 13 years old, I entered junior high school together with Killua. We always together and I'm happy with Killua. We always play in that big tree that rumor being haunted but even so I never meet any ghost in on that tree. As time passes I also become good friends with Pokkle and Hanzo. Nothing bothers me anymore like when primary school. I really feel grateful to meet with Killua, because thanks to him I was no longer be bullied. I don't know if I hadn't met him, I might still bullied until now. I spend most of my time with Killua.. but there is one thing that unsettles me... I ..haven't had time to apologize to Kurapika. He also seemed to avoid me. I was a little sad.

Now almost every day at home I always eat my dinner alone.

"Come Killua.. please come in." I invited Killua play to my house. Cause since we're small we always play on that big haunted tree, I thinks it's better to play in different place somehow and I was really want to invite Killua into my house.

"Thank you.. where are your parents."

"Ah.. lately they are busy in their working.." I can feel it there's a sadness in my tone

"Oh." Killua didn't say anything. Perhaps he realized the odd in my tone and don't want to bring it anymore. I play games together Killua all day until evening.

"Hey.. why don't you have a dinner with me? It's already late too, why don't you all stay well?" I asked.

Killua silent. He looked at me long enough like he be in his thinking. He then holds his head like in pain. I looked at him confused "Killua? What's wrong?" I asked worried.

Killua then looked at me and then smiled "Ah... nothing I'm just a little dizzy. It's okay thanks.. I'm also alone too in my house"

"Really? Good." I said happy. Then we eat together and start chatting "Hey Killua.. you said you also alone in your house, right?"

"Hmm." Killua replied with a nod.

"How about from now on you first stop by my house to eat together? I will ask Kurapika to prepare a meal for two people"

Killua was again in silent for a while, and then nodded. "Can I? Is it not trouble?" He asked.

"Of course not.." I said happy. "I'm very happy there's someone acompany dinner with me." I said, grinning. Killua just smiled to see me happy.

Starting tomorrow I'm with Killua will have dinner together. But before that I have to talk to Kurapika because he always prepare my supper. But I rarely see him and when I met him, I'll feel awkward to not speak. I also thought about how I asked Kurapika to prepare a meal for two people and eventually I found the idea.

Because it was late I will go to my room to sleep.

.

NORMAL POV

Kurapika came home with tired. He work in a company with only have not many people who working on it, he also took a part time in night so he always late to home. Kurapika actually felt that this work will make Gon feel Kurapika avoided him. But he was truly avoid Gon since Gon said he hate him. He was afraid to meet with Gon that's why he force himself busy with work. And it's seem Leorio do the same. They're two afraid to face with Gon again.

Kurapika saw the room was dark. Maybe Gon had gone to bed. Looks like Leorio also home late. He wonder when the last time he met with Leorio because they're two always busy and rarely met. He missed Leorio. Kurapika went to kitchen to grab a drink, he saw on the table there's a scrap of paper and he pick it.

'Kurapika, can you prepare a dinner for two people start tomorrow?... I invite my friend to eat with me because he was alone at home too. But if you don't want it's okay. Thank you, Gon. '

Kurapika paused. He read the phrase 'because he was alone at home too'. He walked into Gon's and peeking out from behind the door. He saw Gon who in his slumber. "Gon... sorry... I... still don't dare to face you... sorry..." said Kurapika with sad tone.

Kurapika heard the front door open and the sound of Leorio who have home. Kurapika then welcome him.

"Welcome home Leorio.."

"Oh, Kurapika.. you're already home too? It's rare to see you home." said Leorio while his face flushed.

Kurapika hugged Leorio. "I miss you so much.. Leorio."

"Me too..." Leorio said, hugging him back and kissed his forehead.

Their two went into their room.

.

GON POV

When I was 14 years old, I fell in love with a girl named Neon ...

And I want to talk about it to Killua, I took him to the usual place we often play together into a big tree "Killua, I want to speak something." I said to Killua sitting in front of me.

"What?." said Killua, unwrapping his candy. Even though we already teenager he always like sweet thing.

"Erm.." I can feel my face suddenly became warm. "Actually.. I'm like someone." When I said that suddenly the wind blows so I closed my eyes because of dust in my eyes. As I rubbed my eyes and open it a little, I catch a glimpse Killua look different and I could feel sadness aura of around him... sadness aura that I saw before when we make a promise in this tree.

"Erm.. Killua.. what happen?" I asked anxiously and held his shoulder.

Killua jerks a little "Eh.. ah, no.. nothing." said Killua, brushing my hand and looked away. "Then..."

"Eh?"

"Then who the girl you like it?" Asked Killua back at me, his face is back to normal.

"Eh.. errmm ... her named was Neon, her class next to us.. hehehe." I said

"Neon? That cute girl.. Well, you have good taste, she's also a rich "said Killua with a face as if he tease me.

"Killua.. I don't like her because of her money." I said I felt my face heat again. "Erm.. I think I started to like her when she was waiting for me and help me tidy up the library until the evening. I walk her home and the we chat. Since then I felt she was really cute" I said, scratching my head that doesn't itch.

"Oh, that..."

"Eh?"

"Ah.. No. Well, congratulation Gon, you've already grown up. I will support you." Said Killua smiling.

"Hehehehe.." I also laughed sheepishly, scratching my head again "What about you Killua, are you already have someone you like? You're quite popular among ladies." I asked innocently.

Killua silent. Despite his face that normal I could sense bit sadness again more from him. Actually I wonder what makes him sad, though he was always cheerful. I was a little worried, He's the only one who knows about my family and accept it, but he never talked about his family. "No." Said Killua

"Eh?" Ah, I get too carried away in my mind

"I said I don't like girl." Said Killua again.

"Ah...you mean you don't have any girl that you like. I see.. I see.." I nod, Killua only silent. "Hey Killua.."

"Hmm?"

"If something is troubling you .. you can talk to me. If you also have a problem in your family just tell me... "

"There is nothing, Gon." Said Killua cut me off. "There's nothing." Said Killua smiled at me. Saw him smile like that I can't say anything anymore.

I live my days as usual. But this time I become rare along with Killua because I was busy approaching Neon. Usually I go home with Killua, but since I approached Neon, I also took Neon to walk home with us. We three chatting together, rather I'm chatting with Neon as Killua not so respond.

Until finally Killua decided not to walk home with me again and let me go home alone with Neon "I didn't come.. sorry." Said Killua. I looked at Killua with sad eyes, I became uncomfortable with Killua for leaving him alone. Killua realized my gaze "It's okay, Gon. I'm going to your house later in seven pm. " Killua said smiling. Killua then turned to walk home alone "Ah... I'll see you later." I said, Killua just waved his hand at me.

Time passed, I ended up going out with Neon. I tell Killua when we had dinner together, Killua smiling happy and congratulated me, although I felt a bit sadness tone. I want to ask, but he certainly wouldn't say anything like before. Sometimes I'm surprised his attitude like that, Are he feel lonely because I mostly spend my time together with Neon.

I then clasped Killua "Killua! Take it easy! We've promised to always be together! So don't ever think I'll leave you." I said. Killua was stunned, then immediately his face blushed and soon he burst out laughing.

"What's wrong with you, stupid. Of course I'll never thought you'll left me." Killua said as he wiping his eyes that bit tearing because of laughing. "It's only a little problem." He said.

"Eh..Wh..."

I want to ask what's wrong, but Killua immediately cut me off "Sorry, but I can't tell you." He said.

"Eh? Why?" I immediately put on a frown. "I always tell you all about me." I said pouting.

"Ha ha ha. Your face really ugly when you're pouting Gon " Killua teased. Killua then smiled sadly "I just don't want you to hate me." He said.

"Why? I will not hate you." I said.

"No..." Killua then bit his lip "I'm sorry, but for now I'm not ready to tell you."

"Eh.. Why?" I was about to protest again, but when I saw Killua serious face I can't "Ah, well. But you have to promise one day you'll talk to me." I said insistent.

"Yeah, yeah. You're really stubborn Gon " Said Killua.

...

When I was in my 15th birthday, I plan to celebrate it with Neon

On the morning, Killua woke me up. Killua stay at my place because Kurapika and my father didn't come home.

"Gon.. Gon.. wake up." said Killua, I don't know why my head feels heavy and I felt something wet on my face. Oh, am I sick? I don't want sick on my birthday. I opened my eyes and saw Killua were looking at me.

"Hey, what's up? Are you have a bad dream.." he said make me wonder. "You're crying.." he said smirking. I touch my cheek. True, I was crying in my sleep.

"What do you dream until you cry like that?"

"..." I paused for a moment trying to remember my dreams, but can't. But I can felt I was have a long dream and really really sad dream. "I forgot." I said my tears still flowing. I don't know why suddenly I felt really sad when I try to remember it.

Killua smile "Even a single dream you can't remember, you're stupid." He said teasing

"Huh, yes I was stupid." I said unhappy. Killua just laughed at my reaction. But when I see him like that I feel relieve.

"Hey Gon, What if I tell you that I love you." said Killua made me very surprised, "Eh.. are you kidding me?" I said with a bit of fear and hope that Killua just kidding. Because even though I want to apologize to my parents, but because of the events that happened to me when I child because gay, I still don't have a good impression of gay and maybe hate it.

Killua grinning and laughing "Gotcha!"

"Eh?"

"Happy birthday Gon." He said with a grin

"You!" I felt my face heating up "You're teasing me!" I said irritably. Killua just laughed.

"Hey Gon, today are you have any plan? Can we go to a large tree, I want to... "

"Sorry, I have promise with Neon." I immediately interrupted Killua. "If you want to celebrate it we can do tomorrow. Sorry!" I said patting both my hand and face down.

"Hahaha .. it's okay. Wel,l we will celebrate tomorrow. "He said.

I looked at the clock and time show at 9.00am. I immediately rush to get ready to go with Neon since I promised to go with her half 10 later "Sorry Killua, I had to go soon." I said as I was busy preparing clothes and run down to bathroom.

Killua peeking out from behind the bathroom door and said goodbye to me "Well, I go home Gon. Have fun with your girlfriend. Don't be late in your first date and also your birthday date." He said teasing. "Yes, I understand don't scare me like that." I was busy preparing away. Yes, because this is my first date with Neon and also to celebrate my birthday. Soon I heard the door shut signifies Killua was gone.

At that time I did not realize that I do something that would keep me away with Killua. And I don't realize Killua keep more distance to me.

And my relationship with Killua began to fade away when I was 16 years old, when I saw Killua fight with Neon.

"Hey, what happen?!" I went to Killua and Neon that seemed to be arguing

"Gon!" Killua said and Neon fell silent. I also wonder. They two then in the silence then Killua finally spoke "Gon, you'd better stay away from this dirty girl." Said Killua.

"Eh?" I don't understand with Killua's words.

"Hey, you! Gon! Don't you believe... "

"This chick! She was cheating on you!" said Killua immediately interrupted Neon. "I saw yesterday she was walking with another man to a hotel and they're hugging too. Not only that, I often saw her walk with another man with so romantically. I already tell her to stay away for you but she don't want listen to me !" continued Killua.

"Eh?" For a moment I froze. I don't want to trust Killua. But Killua is my best friend and impossible he'll be lied to me. But .. Neon also my girlfriend and I trust Neon too.

"Gon! Don't you listen to him. It was only his reason to make our relationship was destroyed. That's why he told me to break up with you to can seduce you! "

"What did you say?!"

"I was right! You love Gon right! Not love as a friend but love as you want him passionately. You disgusting homo! How could defame people because your selfishness " continued Neon.

"You ... how do you know ?!" said Killua. "Killua.. you... like me?" I said haltingly.

"..." Killua silent.

"Killua answer me!" I said as I shaking Killua.

Killua looked at me seriously "Yes ..."

"You're kidding right... like... before..."

"No I'm serious." He said seriously.

"I don't believe! Killua tell me if you were just kidding" I said insistent. Killua just looked at me seriously, I look my face down. "Why? Why do you love me..." I said "Didn't you know that I hate gay."

"Yes." Said Killua simple

"Then why are you still dare to love me?!" I feel my voice rising. I don't know how I feel, I don't believe that Killua love me. And during this time he covered to me.

"Gon... I was wrong because I love you. But don't trust this bitch because she cheating on you." Said Killua

"Don't listen to him Gon! You'd better look for another man who comes from your people. Don't destroy other people's relationships." Continue Neon derisively

SLAP

I heard a slapping sound that turned out that Killua slap Neon until she fall. "Watch your mouth you bitch..."

SLAP

Killua has not had time to continue what he said because I was slap him. Enough it's enough, I actually already angry with Killua. I regard him as my best friend but he didn't see me like that. he looked at me with that disgusting look like my father saw Kurapika. He also wants to destroy my relationship with Neon. It is true, I really really hated gay, they are disgusting, made me also considered to be disgusted when I close to them. "I can't believe you.. so far I consider you as a bestfriend.. but you're betray me! You even wear dirty way to destroy my relationship! " I said angrily. Why are all my loved ones actually a gay. My father, Kurapika.. and now Killua

"Gon .." Killua holding his cheek. "You'd trust her.. than me?" He asked

"Of course! You're already betray me. You disgusting homo. It is true I really really hate gay! "

"Ah.. don't tell me back then when we still kid you always safe me from the bully and you're the first one who accept the fact my parent is gay because you are just like them! "

"You are wrong!" Killua shouting

"Enough Killua! Stay away from me! And don't bother my relationship with Neon again!" I said as I held Neon shoulder and I walk leave him alone.

"That's why I don't want to tell you, because I know you're going to hate me." He said quietly so I can't hear him. From that moment I started to avoid Killua. He still speaks like usual with me, but I avoid him even though we still have dinner together but we eat in silence not like before

And somehow the rumour that Killua confess to me and want to destor my relationship with Neon is spread around the school make him became target to bully. I keep safe because I have Neon.

"Goonn .. how do you feel being love by a man?!" said one of my friends tease me.

"Absolutely disgusting!" I said curtly.

"Why? Aren't your parents also gay?" he said with a laugh teasing.

I immediately slammed my hand on the table as I glared at him "Yeah right! That's why I'm really hate gay ! Don't mention gay again in front of me! "I said curtly.

Killua always ignore people who bullied him make people who bullied him sick of him. One time I saw Killua battered and bleeding as he walk out of an alley. I saw inside the alley there are some people who sprawl. Killua always fight people who harass him makes people bully him even more severe . Because now almost all student on the school bully him. Killua always used to help me when I was bullied, but this time I didn;t help him. It was his fault to want destroy other people relationship. But I don't know why my heart feels heavy. Because after all, Killua is the only one my best friends. Although he likes me but he never did evil to me. But he wants to destroy my relationship with Neon? To be honest I didn't really believe it. But due to shock knowing Killua love me I couldn't think straight. But then Neon who lied to me? It is impossible, I also believe Neon. Ah, my head very dizzy. But the fact I already avoid Killua and damaged our friendship can't be denied. I also didn't help him.

...

When I was 17 years old, Killua out of our school.

Now my relationship with Killua really ends. Killua now avoid me like my father and Kurapika. But the difference is Killua completely disappeared from me. I don't know why I'm a little lonely. I had always together with Killua since childhood.. spend all my time together with him. Killua is my best friend. Killua disappearence made me have lost something and somehow I regret it. Now I was in my dining room, and was eating my dinner alone.. yeah, now I'm alone.

I want my usual days before I know Killua love me back happen again. if I don't know that Killua like me, maybe we still will have dinner together. But slowly someday Killua feeling will be delivered to me, but if it happens maybe I will reject him in a subtle way, he will understand and we will remain be good friends. Ah, I'm really regret to reject him harshly. I actually brought my anger at that time. I hurt his feelings.

Now my regret growing more when I was 18 years old, when I graduate school I saw a man approached me and Neon, I could see Neon faces become pale.

"Neon!" shouted that blond man.

"Sha... Shalnark? Why are you here.." Neon said haltingly

"Hey.. who is this man Neon?" I asked. The man named Shalnark looked at me sharply. But he look back to Neon. He immediately slapped Neon.

"Bitch! How many people do you plays tricks behind me huh!" said the man.

"Hey! Who are you?! Why did you hit here? " I said

"I'm her fiancee! And this woman is always playing with another man behind me ! I also saw you walking with different mam yesterday ! " that man said angrily. I don't know why, that's time I didn't feel surprised . Because I keep wondering who should I trust.. Although I doubt who should I trust but I more defend Neon at that time. But now all been answered. How stupid am I, I should known that Killua never lied to me, but I closed my eyes and ears because Killua love me.

Neon staring at me, and I met her gaze with a look of sadness ..

"Gon... don't listen.."

"Enough Neon .." I immediately interrupted. "It is enough..." with a sad look I said "We're broke." I also immediately left Neon with his fiancee. I could hear Neon shouted my name, but I don't care about it, I also heard the sound of the man's screams. But I kept going.

I looked into the blue sky. Now it was too late. I've already hurt him. I laugh a little when I think to apologize to him. I still can't apologized to my father and Kurapika, let alone apologize to Killua who already disappear from me. I don't even know anything about his family and where his home, he was the one who always playing to my place. But if one day I was given the opportunity to meet him, then I would really apologize to him.

...

I live my days as usual. I was Entering university away from home made me have to live separately with my father and Kurapika once made myself getting more away with them. But before I moved I felt the relationship between father and Kurapika deteriorated. Not that too, come to think of it, they often quarreled since I was 3rd grade of high school, I don't know why my father suspects Kurapika two-timing him. I knew it the day before I was going to move. Is Kurapika will leave my father? But I didn't really want to think about it. I also have my own problems. From the deepest depths of my conscience I want to meet with Killua again.

Before I move away I came to that big tree. I look at my name and Killua name on that tree that we carve together. We're promise to be always together and I was the one who said to never hate him no matter what. I really regret it now. Before I leave I mutter something "I'm sorry Killua. I'm really sorry." And then tomorrow I move away from my house.

When I was 23 years with a miracle I managed to graduate from university with a mediocre value. I come back to my hometown. Father returned to his village to become merchant there with Kurapika. He was relieved to see me grown up, so I had to stay in my own home alone. Kurapika sent a letter for me to work at company where he worked before. Lucky because the boss where the company is Kurapika's good friend Kurapika I immediately accepted to work there.

"So you're Gon.. Kurapika already told me about you." said the man who is my boss now named Kuroro Lucilfer.

Kuroro Lucilfer is a charismatic and intelligent man like Kurapika so I'm not wonder they get along well. The man was watching me from head to toe. Looks like he's the person who does not talk much. "Well you're hire. You can start working tomorrow" Said the man.

Then from tomorrow I start in his company. There is one thing that surprised me, I met with Neon's fiance here that if I remembered named Shal... hmm, I didn't really remember it.

"Shalnark" said the man named Shalnark as if he reading my mind. "And I also had to cut engagement with her. I don't want to be with a slut like her. Because now she aiming our boss. But grateful boss already have lover" he continued

"O... oh" I can't say anything. But it seems that a man named Shalnark is quite friendly. Company under the auspices of Kuroro just small companies that worked only 13 members referred to me. However, the company is quite successful and have a name that can compete with other big companies. The people here quite friendly and treated me like family members, except one man named Hisoka which makes me very inconvenient to be close to him.

I also began to enter and enjoying my new life. Not as a student anymore but I've already come into society. I'm become a little proud.

And finally something that I've been waiting. My little hope of finally came true this time, when I was 25 years old. Shalnark invited me and other office friends for drinks at a bar owned by Kuroro's lover. And there I met someone who I really wants to meet during this time. Killua.

"Ki.. Killua.." I said. Killua looked at me surprised. Reflex his mouth issued a word slowly

"Gon"

...

...

Killua POV

_Since I was kid I've always felt there's a strangeness in my head and also my abnormality._

When I was 5 years old, my dad left with another man leaving my mom. Since then my mother always abuse me because I look like my father, and the news of my father left with another man spread to neighbor made me and my family ostracized. Not only that, I also bullied by my friends at school. My big brother left the house shortly after my father left. Make my mother more and more abused me, she beat me, locked me in a cold room, sometimes enter my food with poison. Even though not deadly, but enough to make me lay for three days because of a fever. Everyone ignored me.

As I felt sad and didn't want to go home I always come to this big tree, climbed it and cried quietly there. This large tree located very far from my house, but no one care of me so I can be free here. I kept doing it. I don't care even though this place was passed by a lot of people or not. I just wanted to pour my grief.

When I was 7 years my friends getting worse bully me. I can't stand it, in the end I fought them all and beat anyone who dared bully me. Since then no one dares bully me again but no one dared come near me. They increasingly keep away and calling me a demon. But I do not care, I also didn't want to hang out with them and better alone. But sometimes I feel lonely.

As usual I went to the tree and climbed it. Enjoy the night view from the top. And no longer I feel my tears will fall. Then I heard someone young people as junior high school children were walking past this place while conversing.

"Hey, did you know the tree is haunted?" Said one of the girl.

Ghost?

"Eh, really?" Said the other girl.

"Yes, there's a rumour that recently heard the sound of a child crying. And sometimes in the dark there's a white shadow appear rose above the trees." Said the girl.

"Eeeh... So How will I can get home at tonight. I always walk here to take a shortcut."

"Yes, so do I. So I invite you to come along because I'm afraid."

Hearing them both, reflex I chuckled. And it looks like they hear it. Because they immediately tensed and cried as they ran. So everyone thought I was a ghost. After a long time finally I laughed at their ignorance, I don't know why it makes me a little comforted. No wonder I become rare to see the people who pass through this place. I was laughing, continued to laugh until tears come out. Finally I can feel happy even if only slightly.

When I was 9 years old I met someone who suffer the same fate as me.

One day when I came home from school, as usual mother always beat me. But then I hit her back until she injured and I ran away from my home so far, far away to be in the area that I don't know. There I heard the sound of crying from somewhere. I think maybe the real ghost has emerged like rumored and wanted to kill me because I took his role. But I'm not afraid. If indeed I should die now would probably be better. I was tired of being tortured. I went toward the sound until I came to a ditch. I looked into it was only a child who fell there and can't get out. I will help him.

"Oi.. grab my hand." I said reach out my hand to him.

"Tha.. thank you." Said the boy. I watched the boy from top to bottom, the child was dirty and also had a lot of injuries. I pinch my nose because of the smell. "You'd better hurry home.. you stink." I said as I walk away leaving him alone.

My mother was hospitalized so I had to stay with my big brother Illumi. It looks like my big brother like my father who like a man more than a woman because he have a boyfriend. Illumi said that he was never interested in women. That's when I know the word gay. I myself still don't know whether I'm more attracted to women or men. But so far, nothing that interested me.

I more free with Illumi even though he was too over-protective to me. After school I go as I please. When realized I was in a place where I help a kid who are stuck in the ditch. when walking I saw that boy again. He was seem walking home from school. I saw that boy's clothes shabby. And again in his body filled wound. Are he also bullied like me? I was a little curious to him. each home from school I would pass that way to meet with the boy. but the next day I didn't meet with the boy, the next day as well. Until a week passed I managed to meet him again. But this time he was not alone. Behind there are some friends who threw stones and mention the words gay.

"Gay! Gay! Die gay!" said one fatty friend.

"True! Disgusting family like you better disappear! Hahaha" said another bald child. Sometime hear them said that make me boil.

Soon they also leave that kid alone. I continued to follow him. I could see his body shaking. Are he crying? I followed him until his house. I saw him get into his house, it's dark. Are he lived alone too.

Somehow seeing the kid suffer the same fate as me make me little excited, and sad. I decided, I will approach him.

Several days passed I finally know where that boy's school, I just beg to Illumi to move me there. I go home, as usual I heard a strange noise from Illumi's room. Looks like Illumi boyfriend came. I also rushed into the room and waiting while reading comics. Really boring, when I went down to take a drink I saw Illumi boyfriend out of Illumi's room. An orange-haired man who has a nasty eye. I don't like this man because sometimes he saw me with a look as if it would eat me. After taking a drink, I come into Illumi's room.

"Big brother, there is something I want talk about." I said. I was surprised to see Illumi cleaning something out of his ass. And he is still naked.

"Oh. Killua sorry, let me put on my clothes first." Said Illumi. Finally I let Illumi clean himself first and put on his clothes.

"So.. what do you want to talk?" Said Illumi.

"Um ... I wanted to move the school" I said

"..." Illumi paused for a moment, but eventually responded well "For what? At a time like this? "

"..." I know I cannot lie to Illumi, his dark gaze made me a little afraid of him. "There are a boy who caught my attention. And I want to be friends with him. You know I don't have any friends at school." I explain as my best

"Only that? if you want to be friends with him why you should move to school." Illumi said. I was silent. "Sorry You're not allowed to move." Illumi said as he went and put on his jacket as if to go.

"Wait!" I grab Illumi

"Please brother, I want to move there!" I said.

"You can't" Illumi answer brief.

"Why?!"

"If you just want to be friends with him, you don't need to move to his school. Befriend like usual. You know, your attention to that boy only lead you to despair." Illumi said, at that time I still didn't understand what he meant by suffering.

"If you... if you don't let me move..." Illumi turned his head slightly towards me. "I'm going away from this house forever." I said

"Hoo ... Are you can?" Illumi said, looking at me sharply.

"Of course!" I then jump out of the window and ran. I ran towards that tree, crying. Why? Why I can't never let to be happy even though only a little.

I arrive at that big tree panting. I was surprised to see what is there. Not the ghost but that boy, he bound there. Slowly I walked close to him hoping that my eyes not wrong. Yes, It was that kid right there, tied. Looks like he had been left behind there. It's really gone too far for bully him. I hated to think about it, and that makes me annoyed is why he is not against it.

"Stupid ... why didn't you fight them." I said. The boy then slowly lift his head. Finally for the first time I saw that boy's face up-close. I then help him.

"Tha.. thank you." He said

And for the first time I heard his voice. I also smile "You're weak .. Do you want to be treated like this... treated like this everyday until you adult?... you have to fight.. you are a the man right." I said as I walked away leave him alone again. He had to cool his head. My sad feelings become disappear when I see him. It was true, I want to make friends with that boy and close to him.

Along the way without direction I met with Illumi he just said something to me "You should regret it later." He said. As he turned, he reached his hand to me "let's go home" he said.

I then smile "Thank you big brother"

Illumi finally take care of my move to that boy school.

The next day I would go to school same with that boy.

TBC.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was think for not want to continue this story, I lack of idea. So, sorry if this story move so fast.  
> I'll make more detail in Killua POV..
> 
> I hope I can
> 
> happy reading~


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